Challenge

Happy First Day of Spring!  Of course it is unknown if northern Indiana will begin behaving like spring. We had a lovely couple of weeks in February that were distinctly springlike.  My daffodils came up as did the wonderful crocuses. I so like the colors of the crocus. Then is got cold and snowy again. Here we are with spring thunderstorms and rain. I suppose that is better than snow.

I spent the end of last week in Goodlettesville, TN at Aldersgate Renewal Ministries annual gathering of the board of directors and advisory council. This "Gathering" is a time of family, worship, prayer, work, and fellowship.  I saw daffodils and other flowers beginning to bloom and didn't wear a jacket the whole time I was there. I went because I value this ministry and the work they do to equip Christians to be in ministry to their world. I went because I grew up around this family and I love reconnecting with them.

I also went to spend time focused on God. This meeting is not your average board meeting. We spend time in worship, business, prayer and fellowship. I knew making the investment to go would be valuable. I worshiped Abba with abandon, I listened with focus.  What a blessing to make time to do those things on a Friday morning!  God very clearly challenged me. He challenged me to refocus on my commitment to listen in prayer. He challenged me to study deeper.  Lately life has been so on the go and I have so many distractions that I give into, I haven't been digging in. I've been getting by.

          Listen.      Dig in & Go deeper.        Dress Up.

Today is a new day.  I am making time to Listen not just list in prayer. This is one of three challenges I am accepting.   The second is to Dig in and Go deeper as I study his word.  Not reading to get it done, but really studying and getting His word into my heart.  The third challenge is from my fitness coach it is Dress Up. "Dress for the body and Mindset you want."  Basically this is deciding to "Own" my days instead of drifting through them. It works. 

What challenges is God calling  you to ? What changes do you need to make this spring?

Caite

 For more information on Aldersgate Renewal Ministries go to Aldersgaterenewal.org

Gadgets

Technology is a good thing.  We can stay in touch in new ways, have calculators, cameras, and phones all in one device. What a blessing and a distraction.  Our family got a "Chrome Book". I am loving this little laptop.  It is lightweight.  A good mix between big enough to type on and see and small enough to take along easily. Of course the downside is I want to play with it and not fold laundry, unload the dish washer and other very important tasks. Balance is everything. Perhaps I have gotten in rut. Haven't I talked about balance in the past? Oh. Rabbit trail.  I am glad we got this device.  It is convenient and goes with me easily.  I can work on this while the children use my desk top for school work.

Then I also have my phone. It is a tool, a resource, and a distraction. Like the chrome book, I can easily goof off for hours with just thus little box in my hand. I realized recently that I'm perhaps on it too much. 

What am I modeling for my kids?

All these gadgets that make life "easier ". Maybe they do. But they also eat time, use resources, and distract me from my tasks, my kids, and my God.  Please don't mistake me, I am not saying those gadgets are bad. They're not. But my attitude regarding them? Sometimes it is bad. Sometimes I do not need to finish the level. I do not need to check Facebook. I do not need to fiddle with the gadgets all the time any more.  Recently I had a wake up call. We were doing spelling. I give her a word, the child writes the word, and we make sure it is correct and move on to the next word. It was taking forever. I thought it was my daughter poking along. All of a sudden "Mama, this takes forever when you are on your phone at the same time." Turns out reading on my phone is too much distraction between words. Auugghh!

I  need to model a daily quiet time focused on my heavenly Father. I do need to focus on the tasks at hand, instead of floating through my days enticed by this gadget or that one. I am the queen of "Should".  I should fold laundry. I should have started dinner sooner. I should get up and workout before the kids get up. Should.  should. should. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Gadgets are great and useful tools. Remembering to use them as such is a challenge then I beat myself up for too much distraction.

How to move forward?  Well, for me it  is pencil and a piece of paper - a focus list. Choosing to own my mistakes and my choices and deal with the consequences without beating myself up. Working to make better choices next time.  I am finding that if I can forgive myself, let go of the self imposed guilt, and move on making the better choice is a little easier the next time.

What are your distractions? How are you working to overcome them? Where do you need help to do so?

That Moment

The time is 2:25pm.

In my immediate vicinity there is silence.

It is That Moment.

That moment when school work is mostly completed.

Some chores have been accomplished.

Everyone here has had lunch (a major accomplishment).

MJ is in her crib at least if not sleeping.

The chattering Pixie has been released to go read or do whatever it is she does when not doing chores, schoolwork etc.

T is practicing piano on her keyboard, with a headset.

I am....
          sitting,
             
                   in the silence,

                                  knowing that there is more to be done,

                                                     relishing that for this moment I can just be.


I find it so intriguing that even though I am an extrovert, The Moment, gives me such pleasure.  The Moment refreshes and boosts me through the rest of the day.  Not every day has a Moment, but I am so blessed by those that do.


C

Cold Snap

January 27th, the month opened with a storm that delayed local schools reopening for a whole week. The result? Most of our activities cancelled. At the end of four and a half days at home, in the house, I was stir crazy to say nothing of the kids. So far this month public schools have had 2 full days of school. The rest of the days have been closures or delays. Today school is out again as another weather event is sweeping the midwest. The high expected today 2*.  Then you have to take into account wind chill, which makes it like -22*f. BRRRRRRR!

We home school so the closures don't really effect us but the cabin fever does. I've decided I might be the worst of the lot for cabin fever. Some days (today) I am not interested in doing school, at all. I want to cuddle under a blanket, let my kids wait on me, and watch movies all day. Doesn't that sound fabulous?  I not only have to overcome their desire to do anything other than school. I have to over come my own apathy. Surely there is a whimsical super mom hiding around here who can  make today fun and interesting. I think she might be sleeping after being on baby duty.  Alas, no there is only me and the duty which we must get to.

January 28th, Yesterday was, Odd. Just odd. I was over tired from two nights of super fussiness. I was bummed that it was too cold to go play in the snow. I felt like we had to do school because we have had lots of distractions. All of it had me down.  The Admiral asked me several times "How are you?" I kept replying "Ok." I didn't know what else to say. There wasn't anything really wrong. Nothing I could or can explain. Today I feel fine. We accomplished school in great time. Our friends came to play and play they did.  Today was a good day.

I am relieved that today was good.  Postpartum depression is not something I want to deal with this time around. I know that it is not controllable per se.  Yet I feel a little hyper-vigilant when I have an off day. I am being deliberate about eating, taking my vitamins and exercising. I am also choosing to be intentional about doing things I enjoy. Depression for me has, in the past, manifested in apathy about my hobbies and home. Feeling better today helped me realize that one or two off days doesn't mean I am spiraling into trouble. It means that because I am nervous, I am in a good place indeed. Because I am checking myself, keeping track of ups, downs and blahs - I am ok.

So will I lament this cold snap? Yes, but only because we cannot go sledding. I am thankful for it as well because the bummer weather reminded me of who I am.

I am super mom, just not every day (Thank goodness!)

The Last Oreo

Baby girl arrived in early September. Since then I have needed Oreos in my pantry. Needed.  Odd I thought cravings went away when the baby arrived. But then I'm not sure it is a craving. I've been "good". I've made the current package last 3 + weeks. It seems to satisfy me to know that they are there and I could have one if I want to.  I suppose it isn't a good idea to have Oreos on hand when one is trying to watch ones weight. Seems a dangerous habit.

I noticed that I'm down to the Last Oreos in the package yesterday. There are 6 left. I'm not panicking. I still have 6. I'm not really sure why this is important. Why there must be Oreos in my pantry, I don't know. I only know I want them there and if they are gone, I'll wander around looking for them. When they are here I'll eat 3 or 4 every couple of days and be fine. I wonder what the deal is with Oreos.

In other news I've been adding things back into my routine. Recreating normal in our house now that there are five of us. I'm exercising. Now don't worry I'm not going over board or anything. I'm running the stairs ten minutes each day. It isn't much but for now it is hard and that is enough. I've added my scripture study and quiet time back to the daily plan. I hadn't let this go completely, but was definitely slacking off. I think mother's with newborns are pretty much praying constantly. Praying that the Lord will protect their baby from the mama's sleep deprived state. Praying that we won't screw up our big kids, praying that we might get some rest. It is likely that during this season of life we are more vigilant with our prayer life than ever. Sometimes I think maybe it is just my own weirdness, but I really hope that in this I am normal. Not alone.  Laundry and meal planning have resumed with somewhat regularity. So I am beginning to feel normal. At least I think it is a type of normal. Because I look at our life and activities and realize that in this season I am not doing everything I did before baby. SO it makes me wonder if I will ever be that old normal again. I have said "No." to requests for me to be involved in things. I have said "no." to myself. That still surprises me. I find myself needing to justify my decision to not get involved. I am surprised that I am choosing to not do some things I enjoy doing. Right now those things will overwhelm me. I know I am worth making good decisions. I am worth not over taxing myself and our family. We are working on balance for this season of life. Finding it is a daily process. Each day has become an experiment in what I can handle. The discovery is fun, exhausting, wonderful, and stressful all at once. Much like watching my baby discover her her world. 

Life goes on. I recreate normal. Look for balance. I teach my big girls. I do and don't do as I can. In the end, I think the Oreos are helping me find balance.  Now I must go put them on the grocery list.

A New Season

I'm sitting on the sofa holding my newborn daughter thinking about life seasons.  I peruse my way through the various life stages that I have lived and observed feeling awed that we experience so much. 

Yesterday the call came that my grandmother doesn't have much time left. I have expected that call for ten years. After all she is 97. It still hurt to think about her dying. It hurts to think of my mom losing her momma. My heart doesn't seem to care that grandmother hadn't been able to be "mom" for years.  Even though I've been prepared for grandmother's home going for years I am still sad that her passing is now imminent. My brain tries to paint the picture of my memories with her absent and fails. New memories will need to be made.

Part of this season I'm in is sleepless nights and diapers. My mother is in a season of care giving and headed into a season of grief.  Grandmother has entered a season of letting go. They all overlap. My heart hurts, celebrates, laughs, cries, is thankful and angry all at once. This is life. Seasons that overlap and contradict each other. Seasons to be lived. Seasons that require me to reach out to the Father for grace, comfort, guidance, stamina and wisdom.

I watch my baby's face and picture my grandmother in my mind. Both are cherished people. I am blessed, I get to know them both. I will share grandmother with baby as she grows through my memories. I will walk this season glad for my mother's wisdom. I will choose to remember that there is Grace for all these seasons. He will carry us when we stumble and dance with us in times of joy.

Lord, thank you for walking with me in every season. Help me to remember to turn to you when nights feel long, hearts feel heavy' and especially when joy over flows.

This post was written in September 23rd 2013. My baby was 18 days old. My Grandmother passed on to glory on September 25th.

A lot later...

Overwhelmed? Underwhelmed? Unfocused? Isn't it ironic that in the middle of 31 days of being intentional... I totally drop the ball. Well it is my life, my writing, and my family so I guess I didn't drop the balls that were most important, I remained intentional about my friendships, our school, our relationships and getting dinner on the table (most days). I just didn't get you told about it. 

Here we are a LOT later. A friend and fellow blogger asked me the other evening what happened. I mentally shrugged and said "I don't know." "I'm not sure what to write." But that little impetus pushed me to write today. I am not sure how often or what I will share with you but I will share. God is rearranging my world a little and I am uncertain how this hand of cards will play out. I am trusting Him. I am. He has always provided, cared for, and comforted me in every situation. 

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

He is with me. I cannot escape Him.  He will be my strength in this new journey and I am glad. I am joyful. I choose to be joyful, looking into the unknown because my God knows what the future holds! 

Abba, Here I am use me. Here are my treasures, they are yours. Give us wisdom. Thank you for all you are doing. Thank you for being my wonderful, saving, creator! Caite