Saturday, February 27, 2010

anger, disappointment, & sadness

I am Angry.
Utterly angry. I have learned something today that I shouldn't know yet. This knowledge leaves me angry, disappointed and sad.  I am struggling with how to respond. I do not want to sin. I do in theory understand this person's thought process. I think I understand the need for this coming action. My innermost person has empathy for the dilemma and situation. My 'mama bear' instinct is angry and disappointed. This action will create, for my daughter, pain and confusion. The disappointment and angry emotions feel overwhelming. I feel helpless. Helpless in the face of my child's pending confusion. Helpless in the face this individual's convictions and decision. 

Now several hours have passed and a long painful conversation is over. I am not sure I fully understand.

Do I need to understand?

Do I need to protect my baby girl from this? Can I?

I am praying. Praying for wisdom. Praying for understanding. Praying I do not  run screaming into the sunset and give up entirely.

Abba daddy, Help me. Help me not to sin in my anger. Help me to forgive.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Valentine's & Romance

Yesterday the Admiral brought me roses. Lovely deep red roses picked up on his way home because he knows they give me pleasure. He doesn't give them with fuss and pomp. He just gives them. I open the paper, mix the flower food, trim the stems and place them in a vase. I revel in the silky softness of the petals. Enjoying the passionate, deep color. I revel silently as I get them into the vase. Then I return to the ritual of  making dinner. Thinking quietly to myself how wonderful that the Admiral chose to honor me with them. Thinking how silly to get such pleasure from a cut flower... and yet, is it silly? No. just like the mornings he quietly goes and starts the van for me so it will be warmer when I get into it or the time he takes to clean up dinner just because, He is showing his Love. I am blessed. 

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Prayer and Perseverance

The week progressed past the initial parent meeting at the girl's school. I have been working with a dedicated group of parents on fund raising for funds to help pay all those little incidentals as well as looking toward bigger events to help get the school back surer footing.  I like the planning and executing. I am amazed at the education I am getting. The amount of money needed seems insurmountable. The number makes my head spin.... yet there is hope. Things keep chipping away at the big number... and slowly but surely the number is coming down. God IS big enough. Miracles are happening. What a wonderful lesson for the children and ourselves. Prayer and perseverance will get us through no matter what happens.

This second week was interesting the mood at the school lightened a bit. There was an atmosphere of moving forward and trusting for God's provision. Then today in Sunday school they played an audio of a christian comedian and speaker. He said if he ever gets one minute what would he say : "learn to smile while you talk." That is his one piece of advice. I found it so applicable is our life right now. What a good way to lighten the mood and lift spirits. So pray, persevere, and smile while you talk. God will care for the details.

Allow me, Lord, to persevere. Remind me, Father, to pray always. Help me, Adonai, to rejoice in all things, giving thanks for every situation, Help me to smile while I speak.


Sunday, February 7, 2010

Walking through...

The last week has been a tremendous time of needing to trust. The girl's school is in a financial crisis. Saving the school will take God's provision. The press has not told the whole story and has done some damage with what they have written. Some families feel betrayed. I don't. I cannot imagine being administration and trying to figure out when and how much to share. Many are looking backwards and trying to blame. This has me frustrated. While it is true knowing how we got here will help us not go here again, We need to be praying, working, and moving forward. Satan's attack has been many faceted and thorough. I am so amazed at how little things become mountains. People go into a tailspin over details that should be insignificant. The deceiver wheedles his way into hearts and minds. This causes distrust, communication failure, anger, unprofessional actions, and a host of other problems. I have been asked why I haven't withdrawn my kids. Why we have chosen to stay and fight for this place? The short of it is...withdrawing my kids and giving up on the school would be, for me, the easy way out. I cannot walk that path. I must fight. I must work. I am praying for restoration. Praying for wisdom and guidance. No it is not about me. But it is about obedience, Obeying what we believe God is leading us to do. I beg for your prayers. Pray for Bright One & Love Bug as some of their friends move on to other schools. Pray for wisdom for the Admiral and I. Pray for guidance and wisdom for the administration of the school. Lastly Pray for our teachers, they minister daily to our children at all levels through this time of uncertainty, pray for them to lean on God's provision for their grace, stamina, and physical needs.

In all this God is showing me that He is big enough to walk us through trial. Each day God is enough. Whether or not the school survives God is enough and God will care for us. My job is to keep walking in obedience. Keep walking.