Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Cold Snap

January 27th, the month opened with a storm that delayed local schools reopening for a whole week. The result? Most of our activities cancelled. At the end of four and a half days at home, in the house, I was stir crazy to say nothing of the kids. So far this month public schools have had 2 full days of school. The rest of the days have been closures or delays. Today school is out again as another weather event is sweeping the midwest. The high expected today 2*.  Then you have to take into account wind chill, which makes it like -22*f. BRRRRRRR!

We home school so the closures don't really effect us but the cabin fever does. I've decided I might be the worst of the lot for cabin fever. Some days (today) I am not interested in doing school, at all. I want to cuddle under a blanket, let my kids wait on me, and watch movies all day. Doesn't that sound fabulous?  I not only have to overcome their desire to do anything other than school. I have to over come my own apathy. Surely there is a whimsical super mom hiding around here who can  make today fun and interesting. I think she might be sleeping after being on baby duty.  Alas, no there is only me and the duty which we must get to.

January 28th, Yesterday was, Odd. Just odd. I was over tired from two nights of super fussiness. I was bummed that it was too cold to go play in the snow. I felt like we had to do school because we have had lots of distractions. All of it had me down.  The Admiral asked me several times "How are you?" I kept replying "Ok." I didn't know what else to say. There wasn't anything really wrong. Nothing I could or can explain. Today I feel fine. We accomplished school in great time. Our friends came to play and play they did.  Today was a good day.

I am relieved that today was good.  Postpartum depression is not something I want to deal with this time around. I know that it is not controllable per se.  Yet I feel a little hyper-vigilant when I have an off day. I am being deliberate about eating, taking my vitamins and exercising. I am also choosing to be intentional about doing things I enjoy. Depression for me has, in the past, manifested in apathy about my hobbies and home. Feeling better today helped me realize that one or two off days doesn't mean I am spiraling into trouble. It means that because I am nervous, I am in a good place indeed. Because I am checking myself, keeping track of ups, downs and blahs - I am ok.

So will I lament this cold snap? Yes, but only because we cannot go sledding. I am thankful for it as well because the bummer weather reminded me of who I am.

I am super mom, just not every day (Thank goodness!)

Saturday, January 25, 2014

The Last Oreo

Baby girl arrived in early September. Since then I have needed Oreos in my pantry. Needed.  Odd I thought cravings went away when the baby arrived. But then I'm not sure it is a craving. I've been "good". I've made the current package last 3 + weeks. It seems to satisfy me to know that they are there and I could have one if I want to.  I suppose it isn't a good idea to have Oreos on hand when one is trying to watch ones weight. Seems a dangerous habit.

I noticed that I'm down to the Last Oreos in the package yesterday. There are 6 left. I'm not panicking. I still have 6. I'm not really sure why this is important. Why there must be Oreos in my pantry, I don't know. I only know I want them there and if they are gone, I'll wander around looking for them. When they are here I'll eat 3 or 4 every couple of days and be fine. I wonder what the deal is with Oreos.

In other news I've been adding things back into my routine. Recreating normal in our house now that there are five of us. I'm exercising. Now don't worry I'm not going over board or anything. I'm running the stairs ten minutes each day. It isn't much but for now it is hard and that is enough. I've added my scripture study and quiet time back to the daily plan. I hadn't let this go completely, but was definitely slacking off. I think mother's with newborns are pretty much praying constantly. Praying that the Lord will protect their baby from the mama's sleep deprived state. Praying that we won't screw up our big kids, praying that we might get some rest. It is likely that during this season of life we are more vigilant with our prayer life than ever. Sometimes I think maybe it is just my own weirdness, but I really hope that in this I am normal. Not alone.  Laundry and meal planning have resumed with somewhat regularity. So I am beginning to feel normal. At least I think it is a type of normal. Because I look at our life and activities and realize that in this season I am not doing everything I did before baby. SO it makes me wonder if I will ever be that old normal again. I have said "No." to requests for me to be involved in things. I have said "no." to myself. That still surprises me. I find myself needing to justify my decision to not get involved. I am surprised that I am choosing to not do some things I enjoy doing. Right now those things will overwhelm me. I know I am worth making good decisions. I am worth not over taxing myself and our family. We are working on balance for this season of life. Finding it is a daily process. Each day has become an experiment in what I can handle. The discovery is fun, exhausting, wonderful, and stressful all at once. Much like watching my baby discover her her world. 

Life goes on. I recreate normal. Look for balance. I teach my big girls. I do and don't do as I can. In the end, I think the Oreos are helping me find balance.  Now I must go put them on the grocery list.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

A New Season

I'm sitting on the sofa holding my newborn daughter thinking about life seasons.  I peruse my way through the various life stages that I have lived and observed feeling awed that we experience so much. 

Yesterday the call came that my grandmother doesn't have much time left. I have expected that call for ten years. After all she is 97. It still hurt to think about her dying. It hurts to think of my mom losing her momma. My heart doesn't seem to care that grandmother hadn't been able to be "mom" for years.  Even though I've been prepared for grandmother's home going for years I am still sad that her passing is now imminent. My brain tries to paint the picture of my memories with her absent and fails. New memories will need to be made.

Part of this season I'm in is sleepless nights and diapers. My mother is in a season of care giving and headed into a season of grief.  Grandmother has entered a season of letting go. They all overlap. My heart hurts, celebrates, laughs, cries, is thankful and angry all at once. This is life. Seasons that overlap and contradict each other. Seasons to be lived. Seasons that require me to reach out to the Father for grace, comfort, guidance, stamina and wisdom.

I watch my baby's face and picture my grandmother in my mind. Both are cherished people. I am blessed, I get to know them both. I will share grandmother with baby as she grows through my memories. I will walk this season glad for my mother's wisdom. I will choose to remember that there is Grace for all these seasons. He will carry us when we stumble and dance with us in times of joy.
Lord, thank you for walking with me in every season. Help me to remember to turn to you when nights feel long, hearts feel heavy' and especially when joy over flows.

This post was written in September 23rd 2013. My baby was 18 days old. My Grandmother passed on to glory on September 25th.