What confidence?

Recently I was approached in casual conversation by my pastor "You should be on the worship team," he said.

I was floored, but he had planted a seed. That little seed festered in my mind. You see, I love to sing. However, in my opinion, I have never been terribly good at it . I do all right for in the shower or for tormenting my husband in the car, not so much in front of the general public. The Bible says "make a joyful noise.." (Psalm 100:1) So I do. I love to worship! There is a difference between singing for public consumption and worshiping the living God!

Worshiping our maker is a must! It is a passion for me. Giving of myself, my voice and my attention to the adoration of Holy God, that's a privilege. The little seed pastor planted created a war in my mind. Part of me really, really wanted to join the worship team. The other part of me wanted to run for the hills. I felt so uncomfortable. I felt afraid of messing up, hitting wrong notes, being off pitch, and generally sounding bad.

I vacillated back and forth over and over. IS this worship team thing something I'm supposed to ? The more I prayed the more I felt like I should. Then the worship director approached me. I took another 2 weeks after that to pray and try to talk myself out of it. Alas, it was not to be. The Admiral gave his blessing and I felt the Lord was pushing me to do this. I told them I would join the team.

I showed up to my first rehearsal, full of nerves but had a fine evening. They are a friendly and comfortable group. The first Sunday went well. I was nervous but God is good and I was able to move past the nerves and into worship. The second week at rehearsal the leader for the week said "I wondered if you would solo this bridge?" I thought, WHAT?!?!?, but said "um....  *mumble* well I guess I could...."

So, in obedience to this nudge, I practiced and practiced and practiced. I was obedient and ready to do it. To my great relief the song was cut Sunday morning due to time constraints. The leader for that second week said to me " I knew you had the confidence to do this solo!" I looked around to see who she was talking to. "What confidence!?!?!, I said. Me? Ummmm, No. Not confident. Scared witless but obedient." She laughed, patted my shoulder, and said "we will do the song again soon and you can do the solo."

I am really enjoying singing with the worship team. I am glad I was obedient. I am still pretty nervous. I DO make mistakes, and that is ok. Because I am not called to be the perfect musician, vocalist, or performer. I am called to be an enthusiastic, genuine, and obedient worshiper. Phillippians 4:13 " I can do all thing through Christ who strengthens me" This verse gives me confidence that this is where I am supposed to be serving. My choice is to be available to God and let HIM equip me for this task. What confidence? The confidence that I am in the center of His will, focused on Him and not myself.


Lord give me the confidence that comes from you alone. Keep my hand firmly tucked  in yours. Walk me through this experience. Let my actions glorify you and you alone.

Chicken Soup & Engineers

I am always on the lookout for quick prep easy recipes. I like to cook, in fact I really enjoy it. But I do not always make enough time to do it well. Our lives are full and on the go, and this often leads to the dreaded "Whatever shall I make for dinner?" question. When this question pops in my head I immediately draw a blank. I stand looking stupidly into the pantry trying to conjure something out of thin air. I wander around my kitchen discarding the old standbys because I am sick of making them or because I am short one crucial ingredient. (You simply cannot make Hamburger Bean Pie without the beans. I do not recommend substituting peas either - they turn to mush.) Since school has now begun and our schedule is getting solidified, I have identified some days as 'crock-pot days'. If I have to be out of the house most of the day, it is a wonderful thing to come home to dinner bubbling away in the crock pot. One day last week, a simple crock pot experiment turned out brilliantly. I thought I would cook some chicken breasts in broth until they fell apart and then use the meat for quesadillas or "pulled bbq chicken." After about 45 minutes, the chicken broth and meat smelled so good I decided to add carrots and celery to the pot. Some oregano and garlic salt went in too, and I went off to collect the kids from school. We arrived home after piano lessons to a tantalizing soup smell that just begged for noodles. So I quickly made homemade noodles. The soup was wonderful and filling. My girls even ate theirs with almost no complaining.

I realized in this success that I often over-think things. I frequently tease the Admiral about his habit of engineering things to the Nth degree. This habit makes me nutty. He will figure and plan and monkey around and re-plan and by the time he is done the project is so engineered that only he understands it. I love him for it. Because of his methodical way of planning and re-planning, the things he builds last a long time. I end up being blessed by the very thing that made me crazy in the first place. In cooking over engineering is usually bad. I find that the more I fiddle with a dish, the weirder it comes out. Sometimes you must just trust your instincts and let it cook. Situations in our lives are like this too; more often than not engineering them will only make them more complicated. We are better off to let the Holy Spirit guide us and only stir things up at His direction.

Lord Help me to trust your guidance about when to let it cook and when to engineer. Help me to give over the controls to you when I want to do it my way.

The first day of school, this year

New school year. New school. New clothes. New teachers. New friends. New school supplies (I shiver with happiness, for I am addicted). New schedule. New chores. Fall has become as much a time for new as spring.

Love Bug & Bright One are off to their first day of the 2010 -2011 school year. The summer went by very fast. I am overwhelmed that it is time for school already. Time for routines and new experiences without me. I am happy for them. I am looking forward to getting to know a new school family. It is an adventure in the waiting.

I am lonely. I am working to establish a routine for myself. I am not so good at it. I don't like structure. But OH! how I need it. Anne of Green Gables says to Marilla "tomorrow is always fresh with no mistakes in it." It reminds me that, even if I do not stick to my schedule, God redeems my time. He will work all things together for good. I must hold on to that when I want to berate myself for an unproductive day. In a way this is a new start for me as well as for my kids. I am recreating my days. I want to be excellent in the way I live. I want to rejoice in every situation. It doesn't matter if I am cleaning up dirty dishes or creating something on my sewing machine. This year is going to be my adventure in Joy and Thankfulness, rediscovering who Caite is as mom, wife, and child of God.


Thank you Father, for a new start, a clean slate. Lord, be my guide. Keep turning me to you in each moment. 

Today

Today I am 36.

Birthdays are fun,a little strange and disconcerting. Disconcerting because it is weird to think I am halfway to 72. This is my day to look back and evaluate where I am. Have I met my goals for the year? Have I been obedient to the Lord? Where am I going this coming year? I think your birthday is perhaps better than New Years. Because it belongs to just you. You can set your goals, decide on new paths, seek the Lord for guidance.

My day was quiet. The Admiral took the girls shopping so I had some time to myself. They bought me a new watch. A wonderful and needed gift. Then we headed to a friend's 4 year old's birthday party. His B-day is actually the 24th but today was the celebration. It was fun to get to share my special day with this precious little boy!

Lord Jesus Lead me down the paths you choose for me this year. Teach me to hear you in every moment and every situation. Give me a hunger for you that never ends. Thank you for being you.

In All things, Be Excellent

Today the Admiral and I had lunch at an inner-city sub shop in a Midwestern city. This is the type of place where you can watch them create your perfect sub. We stood watching the young man place the meat on the bread very slowly. Then the veggie guy puttered along barely speaking loud enough to be heard. Eventually they finished making our sandwich but neither of them knew how to check us out. They muttered to each other for a minute or two. A young woman came out from the back and the guys muttered at her. She looked up, saw us waiting, snapped at the guys, then wandered over and allowed us to pay for our meal. I sat down feeling unwanted and unwelcome.

Why tell you all this?

I tell you because as I watched these two young men fumble around "to serve" us, not really caring that we were there, I felt judgmental and critical. I was irritable about their lack of pride in their work and in themselves. Then the Lord spoke to me. " You are not excellent in all things either. You are being critical of them, yet you haven't been giving your all in each thing you take on. You have taken on too many things to do your best at any of them."

Ouch.

Lord, let me be excellent in each thing that I do. Let me perseve to do my very best as an offering to my holy Father.  Lord, give me clear guidance to seek you for each activity, that I might honor you.

Work out day #3

I decided not to write back on day one. Why? Well because I am somewhat sick of day ones. Day one is a special day, a new beginning, a start. Day one implies new determination. Well I have had LOTS of day ones. I want to have a day 320 and a day "I can't remember how many because this is just who I am." I am so tired of starting and not finishing or starting and stopping. So when I looked at photograph of myself and had viscerally disgusted reaction and said to myself "You need to get serious. You need to change some things and get this stopped before you wake up and are unable to to walk!" I am a beautiful and wonderful person. The mirror doesn't show me the person I know that I am.
I promised the girls a trip to the pool at the Y. I stuck my tennis shoes in the bag on the sly so I wouldn't come up with an excuse not to go. I told the girls that I had to use the elliptical trainer for 30 minutes before we could go to the pool. So they went to child watch to play and I did 35 minutes on the machine. When we got to the pool I did some stretching and crunches.
As of today We have been back three times on schedule. I am awfully annoyed by the whole process. The breathing hard, the numbness in my feet, the time it takes. I am simultaneously proud of myself for managing 3 days. I am started again in my desire to be healthier. I want to persevere. I want to learn to like the woman in mirror. God Loves her and so should I.

Lord, I need you. I need your strength. I need your help. I want to persevere and be healthy so that I have energy to do the things you call me to. I believe your word were it says I am heir to the throne of heaven and therefore a princess, inside and out. Thank you for making me a wonderful work of your art.

A Big Day

         Today began with breakfast with Busia& Grandpa. After a few morning chores, we were off for adventures. First stop: lunch was at the Rainforest Cafe. How much fun! Snakes, gators, gorillas, thunderstorms and yummy food! If you haven't tried this experience, I highly recommend it! The girls went into sensory overload almost immediately. Eventually they calmed down and were able to screw up their courage and look around at all the super neat things.
         Following lunch, we all headed to the Legoland Discovery Center. WOW! When you enter this place you are immediately treated to a mini land of downtown Chicago. All your favorite landmarks are there. The details are stunning. There was even a mini figurine of Batman on the Sear Tower. The Buckingham Fountain even lit up. It was so very cool. I could have spent hours searching out the myriad of Lego details. Then we explored the Jungle Expedition, Dragon Ride, Movie Theater (twice), and the Test Center. Love Bug and Bright One had a ball!
Bright One was very diligent in her building, testing, and subsequent destruction of Lego cars. In all it was a very tiring afternoon.
         We arrived home late. Grandpa grilled brats and hot dogs. We had a wonderful dinner, thanks to Busia & Grandpa. After our long, full day, we all pretty much crashed  WE gor the girls tucked in and that was the end of it. A big day and a blessed one!
         Observing my girls today, I noticed that what they perceived as reality caused serious fear. As the mechanical snake at Rainforest shifted and moved. Bright One panicked because she was sure it was coming after them. She was unable to separate between pretend and real. Sensory overload does this to us. We don't take time to process what we are seeing and the fear takes over. This is one of Satan's most effective tricks. Our perception becomes reality and we want to get away or hide from the "danger". God wants us to stop and look to Him for our reality. He desires that I trust Him in circumstances that I perceive as dangerous, just as a parent shows his child that it is just a machine, not a dangerous jungle snake.
          My prayer today is that we as parents would have the courage and patience to teach our children to see what God would have us see. Teaching them to be aware of the schemes the evil one creates to distract and overwhelm our senses. Dear Ones, Believe that God has so much more for us than we can see or imagine!




Lord God you are genuine, real, and excellent. Help me to teach my children to look for you and not to be distracted by the schemes of Satan. May You oh LORD be out reality every day