My true self....
What does that mean?!?!? I have been wrestling with this phrase. Why? you ask. Because I think I live behind a facade of what I think will impress, please, or generally appear "good" to those around me. I do not intentionally lie about who I am. I think everyone has a marketing imp in their mind who says " no! no! you aren't disorganized - you're creative" and puts positive spin on life. Does this mean we lie to ourselves? Sometimes I think I do. Sometimes I think I believe the lies the evil one plants in my mind. Lies about my value, my worthiness, my abilities - lies to break down my confidence by zeroing in on my weaknesses and making them seem so much bigger than reality. Whatever the root of the lies they lead to my true self hiding again behind the wall praying that the people around me don't see that I am faking my way through.
But do I really live behind the facade or does the 'true self' stand forward and say "here I am"? I think we all do, to some extent, live in a way that hides what we view as our own imperfections. Looking back over the last months I find that I don't hide as much as I once did. In the past few month I have spent more time focused outward and less worrying about not being perfect or imperfect. Faking it? More like on the job training. News Flash.... I am imperfect! I can only work to excel at what I am good at and improve where I am weak. A relative said to me a week or so ago" I wish you would stop saying you aren't patient with your kids! I cannot believe how patient you are! " I was shocked. Because I feel like I am frequently impatient and grumpy with my kids. But apparently others see it differently. I set my shoulders and said to myself..." I am going to stop being impatient with me." This is a viewpoint change for me. A moment where my true self stepped out from behind the curtain and stood tall.
The identity of 'my true self' came into question one Sunday in church as we sang a song about it (life - i presume) being all about God. As I sang God whispered "Do you mean it?" I stopped cold for a minute. "Do I mean it? mean what? Oh. The song... " After several seconds passed in which I drew a complete blank, I said " I am trying mean it, Lord." Service went on and ended and we came home. I was studying later that day thinking on that moment. I keep thinking... Do I mean it? Is my life really all about God? About His will? His directive? His plan?. Am I willing that my true self to be completely given over to God. That I may not worry about my imperfections because God will use them? Am I willing to tear down the facade, not just stand in front of it? Am I willing to face humiliation to be my true self? Am I willing to accept that my true self is not mine at all, but HIS. Are you?
Daddy God - I want it to be all about you. I want my focus to be on you. Lord teach me to be me. Just me - not who I think I should be, but me working to grow into what you have planned for me. Caite Girl