Tuesday, June 9, 2015

That Moment

The time is 2:25pm.

In my immediate vicinity there is silence.

It is That Moment.

That moment when school work is mostly completed.

Some chores have been accomplished.

Everyone here has had lunch (a major accomplishment).

MJ is in her crib at least if not sleeping.

The chattering Pixie has been released to go read or do whatever it is she does when not doing chores, schoolwork etc.

T is practicing piano on her keyboard, with a headset.

I am....
                   in the silence,

                                  knowing that there is more to be done,

                                                     relishing that for this moment I can just be.

I find it so intriguing that even though I am an extrovert, The Moment, gives me such pleasure.  The Moment refreshes and boosts me through the rest of the day.  Not every day has a Moment, but I am so blessed by those that do.


Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Cold Snap

January 27th, the month opened with a storm that delayed local schools reopening for a whole week. The result? Most of our activities cancelled. At the end of four and a half days at home, in the house, I was stir crazy to say nothing of the kids. So far this month public schools have had 2 full days of school. The rest of the days have been closures or delays. Today school is out again as another weather event is sweeping the midwest. The high expected today 2*.  Then you have to take into account wind chill, which makes it like -22*f. BRRRRRRR!

We home school so the closures don't really effect us but the cabin fever does. I've decided I might be the worst of the lot for cabin fever. Some days (today) I am not interested in doing school, at all. I want to cuddle under a blanket, let my kids wait on me, and watch movies all day. Doesn't that sound fabulous?  I not only have to overcome their desire to do anything other than school. I have to over come my own apathy. Surely there is a whimsical super mom hiding around here who can  make today fun and interesting. I think she might be sleeping after being on baby duty.  Alas, no there is only me and the duty which we must get to.

January 28th, Yesterday was, Odd. Just odd. I was over tired from two nights of super fussiness. I was bummed that it was too cold to go play in the snow. I felt like we had to do school because we have had lots of distractions. All of it had me down.  The Admiral asked me several times "How are you?" I kept replying "Ok." I didn't know what else to say. There wasn't anything really wrong. Nothing I could or can explain. Today I feel fine. We accomplished school in great time. Our friends came to play and play they did.  Today was a good day.

I am relieved that today was good.  Postpartum depression is not something I want to deal with this time around. I know that it is not controllable per se.  Yet I feel a little hyper-vigilant when I have an off day. I am being deliberate about eating, taking my vitamins and exercising. I am also choosing to be intentional about doing things I enjoy. Depression for me has, in the past, manifested in apathy about my hobbies and home. Feeling better today helped me realize that one or two off days doesn't mean I am spiraling into trouble. It means that because I am nervous, I am in a good place indeed. Because I am checking myself, keeping track of ups, downs and blahs - I am ok.

So will I lament this cold snap? Yes, but only because we cannot go sledding. I am thankful for it as well because the bummer weather reminded me of who I am.

I am super mom, just not every day (Thank goodness!)

Saturday, January 25, 2014

The Last Oreo

Baby girl arrived in early September. Since then I have needed Oreos in my pantry. Needed.  Odd I thought cravings went away when the baby arrived. But then I'm not sure it is a craving. I've been "good". I've made the current package last 3 + weeks. It seems to satisfy me to know that they are there and I could have one if I want to.  I suppose it isn't a good idea to have Oreos on hand when one is trying to watch ones weight. Seems a dangerous habit.

I noticed that I'm down to the Last Oreos in the package yesterday. There are 6 left. I'm not panicking. I still have 6. I'm not really sure why this is important. Why there must be Oreos in my pantry, I don't know. I only know I want them there and if they are gone, I'll wander around looking for them. When they are here I'll eat 3 or 4 every couple of days and be fine. I wonder what the deal is with Oreos.

In other news I've been adding things back into my routine. Recreating normal in our house now that there are five of us. I'm exercising. Now don't worry I'm not going over board or anything. I'm running the stairs ten minutes each day. It isn't much but for now it is hard and that is enough. I've added my scripture study and quiet time back to the daily plan. I hadn't let this go completely, but was definitely slacking off. I think mother's with newborns are pretty much praying constantly. Praying that the Lord will protect their baby from the mama's sleep deprived state. Praying that we won't screw up our big kids, praying that we might get some rest. It is likely that during this season of life we are more vigilant with our prayer life than ever. Sometimes I think maybe it is just my own weirdness, but I really hope that in this I am normal. Not alone.  Laundry and meal planning have resumed with somewhat regularity. So I am beginning to feel normal. At least I think it is a type of normal. Because I look at our life and activities and realize that in this season I am not doing everything I did before baby. SO it makes me wonder if I will ever be that old normal again. I have said "No." to requests for me to be involved in things. I have said "no." to myself. That still surprises me. I find myself needing to justify my decision to not get involved. I am surprised that I am choosing to not do some things I enjoy doing. Right now those things will overwhelm me. I know I am worth making good decisions. I am worth not over taxing myself and our family. We are working on balance for this season of life. Finding it is a daily process. Each day has become an experiment in what I can handle. The discovery is fun, exhausting, wonderful, and stressful all at once. Much like watching my baby discover her her world. 

Life goes on. I recreate normal. Look for balance. I teach my big girls. I do and don't do as I can. In the end, I think the Oreos are helping me find balance.  Now I must go put them on the grocery list.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

A New Season

I'm sitting on the sofa holding my newborn daughter thinking about life seasons.  I peruse my way through the various life stages that I have lived and observed feeling awed that we experience so much. 

Yesterday the call came that my grandmother doesn't have much time left. I have expected that call for ten years. After all she is 97. It still hurt to think about her dying. It hurts to think of my mom losing her momma. My heart doesn't seem to care that grandmother hadn't been able to be "mom" for years.  Even though I've been prepared for grandmother's home going for years I am still sad that her passing is now imminent. My brain tries to paint the picture of my memories with her absent and fails. New memories will need to be made.

Part of this season I'm in is sleepless nights and diapers. My mother is in a season of care giving and headed into a season of grief.  Grandmother has entered a season of letting go. They all overlap. My heart hurts, celebrates, laughs, cries, is thankful and angry all at once. This is life. Seasons that overlap and contradict each other. Seasons to be lived. Seasons that require me to reach out to the Father for grace, comfort, guidance, stamina and wisdom.

I watch my baby's face and picture my grandmother in my mind. Both are cherished people. I am blessed, I get to know them both. I will share grandmother with baby as she grows through my memories. I will walk this season glad for my mother's wisdom. I will choose to remember that there is Grace for all these seasons. He will carry us when we stumble and dance with us in times of joy.
Lord, thank you for walking with me in every season. Help me to remember to turn to you when nights feel long, hearts feel heavy' and especially when joy over flows.

This post was written in September 23rd 2013. My baby was 18 days old. My Grandmother passed on to glory on September 25th.

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

A lot later...

Overwhelmed? Underwhelmed? Unfocused? Isn't it ironic that in the middle of 31 days of being intentional... I totally drop the ball. Well it is my life, my writing, and my family so I guess I didn't drop the balls that were most important, I remained intentional about my friendships, our school, our relationships and getting dinner on the table (most days). I just didn't get you told about it. 

Here we are a LOT later. A friend and fellow blogger asked me the other evening what happened. I mentally shrugged and said "I don't know." "I'm not sure what to write." But that little impetus pushed me to write today. I am not sure how often or what I will share with you but I will share. God is rearranging my world a little and I am uncertain how this hand of cards will play out. I am trusting Him. I am. He has always provided, cared for, and comforted me in every situation. 

Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

He is with me. I cannot escape Him.  He will be my strength in this new journey and I am glad. I am joyful. I choose to be joyful, looking into the unknown because my God knows what the future holds! 

Abba, Here I am use me. Here are my treasures, they are yours. Give us wisdom. Thank you for all you are doing. Thank you for being my wonderful, saving, creator! Caite

Monday, October 8, 2012

A little late.... (Day 5 & 6)

Intention. It is a wonderful thing. It gives purpose, direction, and helps establish a path to your goal. It can also be an added stress. Occasionally we (read "I") can allow important things to fall by the wayside in order to reach a goal or to follow through on an intention. This is going too far in the other direction. If you lack intention, you drift aimlessly. If you overdo the purpose, then you begin to ignore other important tasks or activities. I am a little late on this post.

I am writing in the wee hours of the Friday night / Saturday morning. I am writing now because follow through is important. In my hustle and bustle to get ready to come on this retreat, finish Friday's school work with the girls, leave something in the crock-pot for their dinner, etc, I did not get to my intention of writing and scheduling posts for days 5, 6, and 7. I was feeling pretty emotional about this earlier, then like a bolt of lighting, God said "Did you live with intention today? Did you leave your family cared for?" WOW. Yes and yes. I think, when I take on a goal like this or losing weight or whatever, I can be too single minded. I can get so focused on that specific purpose that other things fall by the wayside.  Today I chose not to wear myself out.

So my lesson for Day 5 & 6 is relax. Being intentional is important. It is also important to be balanced in our activities and choices.

Lord help me to be balanced today in the choices I make. Caite

Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Hurry Hurry Bird (Day 4, 31 Days of Intention)

Photo credit: Dan Pancamo 2010
    He is called a Sanderling. These funny little birds are all over the beaches in North Carolina where we vacationed. I love watching them. They scurry urgently down the beach between waves and hunt for tiny mollusks and crabs in the sand. When the next waves rolls in they rush back up the beach away from the water. It was fun to watch them. They made me want to laugh! As we watched I made up a little dialog in my  head.

   The little bird goes running down the beach thinking:
  "oh oh oh hungry hungry hungry"
 The wave starts to break.
 "Oh Run run run! Whew! I made it."
The wave recedes,
  "oh! hungry hungry hungry!"
"Run away, run away!"

He reminded me of me. When I am fretting.

   I give things to the Lord then I hurry, hurry out of the way of the next wave taking my "things" with me. "oh wait," I think, "I meant to leave this with Him." Hurry, hurry back to Him. Back and forth over and over. Why is it so hard to trust? Why do I insist on doing it myself? Nature, I suppose, a lack of practice trusting. God's word promises so much. Worry and doubt steal our peace.

    But there is more than that at stake here. The Bible says in James 1 that she who doubts is "double minded" and "unstable." I must ask in faith doubting nothing, because those who doubt can expect nothing from the Lord. Our small group just began a study of James. Over the course of the discussion this subject of doubting came up, it is in verse 6 and 7 by the way. I was a little shaken by this idea. I have known that we need to trust God fully. But unstable, because of doubt?? Really? One of the guys in our group said "God wants to be our plan A, period. There shouldn't be a plan b." Talk about needing to trust Him in everything.

   I, as a western Christian, have much. I have freedom, privilege to learn, comfortable home, etc. These things actually do stand in the way of trust sometimes. I am so used to be able to do it on my own that leaving my cares at the feet of Jesus is challenging. Each time though, Jesus calmly takes them from me and reminds me that they shouldn't be my burdens but His. 

  As I focus on being intentional this month, I desire the closeness with God that comes from the intentional choice to trust Him fully. I am getting pictures of the hurry, hurry bird to put up around the house to help remind me that God is in control of my circumstances.

   Lord, today I give you my worry, my fretting, my concern for the future, and myself. You are the director of my play. Lead me. Strengthen me to have no plan b, but to look to You every minute of every day.  Caite